Genesis of Inner Voices

“You’re worthless.”
“You’re nothing.”
“You’ll never amount to anything.”
“This, is all your fault.”


The screams of a drunken man cutting down the soul of a seven year old. A life of addiction and avoidance of overcoming pain had led this alcoholic man to abuse a child. Filled with regrets and self-loathing, alcohol is his only solace. Seeking to escape through this bitter drink yet it only brings him more hurt as he loses everything he loves the most… If he ever really loved anything at all. The spoils of a wasted life are thrown onto this battered child. Through similar years of torment he is raised to hate himself. The alcoholic’s legacy shall be a maze of pain to the child. Crawling through the sentence of self-hate; escapism and addiction are an enticing slumber. Yet this boy will awaken a man. He faces the pain and goes through the healing. Sifting through the ashes to make sure no remnants of the abuser’s character remain in him. There are still echoes in his head of the tormentor’s curses. Still he recognizes that this is not the true frame or filter to view himself through. A clear self-perception shall be his gift. All the pain is only preparation to build on: to overcome.

Seven years later the boy found his abuser almost dead. In a drunken blackout he had attempted suicide by a self-inflicted overdose and was 14 hours into his oblivion. The boy found him in a dark room, smelled death and felt a very real presence of evil. He called 911 and saved the alcoholic’s life. Still as a dog returns to its vomit so this fool returned to his folly and addiction. Trying to quit but never fully surrendering.

This was the exclamation mark on the seven years of torment. The boy never wanted to die before that day, but then death became his fixation. Fueled by thoughts of death and anger, he began cutting himself. Inflicting pain upon himself. He hurt so bad inside that the blade actually offered him an escape. He dreamed of death but seeing his own blood let him know that life was real. He was trying to drain the pain away. Later he would find marijuana, drugs and prescription pills as a means to not have to feel. To not have to face the pain. To ultimately stay in the same vicious cycle forever.

“Am I destined to be this way forever?” He thought.
“Is there any hope for me?”

The only lesson he could remember this twisted father figure telling him was,
“Don’t ever be like me.”

And to follow in the footsteps of this broken man would be the most tragic of fates.
There were choices that were outside of the boy’s control. There were circumstances that he would not have chosen, but one thing he could not become was that shell of a man.







2 thoughts on “Genesis of Inner Voices

  1. Omg…. You’re writing is raw and real…I’m sitting here fighting back tears because of what you have become…I know many people’s lives will be changed by you sharing


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